VidaKashizadeh

It is five minutes walk

from the hospital to the

Reject shop

But life long distance

it was

between seeing

the shadow of death

on the eternal child ’s face

and the buying of the

little bowls

the miniature grape shapes

affirming normality

of being alive.

The child is bored

but being deadly sick

is maybe

being bored?

or being bored

results in deadly sickness?

I am riding in the world

of VW

becoming and unbecoming

Orlando on the Waves

looking at the lighthouse

Later at home

sadness easily turns

to rage

not being understood.

The irrationality

turning to madness.

I managed though

to kill the guilt

and express my need

* * * *

I believe

I have discovered

a connection between

the white blood cells

and the light

shining

around a person’s body.

All those holy faces

fixed

on paintings

must have been

bursting with an

abundance of

white blood cells

little atoms of defensive

cells

turn to light and

turn to spirit when

the body is dead.

What happens with pest

is that there is

no light

visible

it is the emanation

of the grey matter.

what about grey lights

and the grey spirits?

what is it

I am trying to

understand

the coincidence

of immortality.

The faithless truth

of the untruthful faith?

I know

I am trying to overcome

the anticipation

of grief.

Keith

will you please

get well

and reverse my

thoughts.

Not even your mother knows

you’re dying

How lonely can

one get.

How can all these

knots

be undone

It’s not enough

to have

love in heart

one must have

heart in love.

I need lots of guts

or no heart at all

to face the grey

in your face.

* * * *

I see now

balloons of red, blue

and yellow

that you let out

from the hospital

window

they ascend

to the blue and

grey sky

and I can breathe again.

Between the Middlesex hospital

and the Reject shop

there are many

interesting shops.

It will take you

a life long to

walk there on a

Saturday afternoon.

18^th Feb 1995

Tonight

you joined the chorus

of my dead friends

while I was watching

students perform.

I caught a glimpse

of you

in a drummer’s face

He wasn’t such a good player

no, he wasn’t such a good

player

But you finished the game

with grace

Have a nice endless journey

into the subconscious

mein Schatz

have a nice journey

Maybe Jimmy Hendrix

will sing for you

maybe I am only

travelling through the past

maybe feeling my guts

is only a coincidence

maybe grief is not grief

and my blinks have

only slowed down

for nothing

Nothing and everything

are the same

There is no goodbye

Just tearful blinking

Have a rest mein Schatz

just have a rest.

life is a sigh

blow your nose

and start again

The lentil sprouts

have grown doubled

overnight

They need little water

if too much

they will rot

the three hyacinths

turned dark near

death today

and the one bends

to keep alive

Peace be with you mein Schatz

26^th March 1995